


The real story of The Last Supper

by Tazmosis



Category: Jesus Christ - Fandom, Satire - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-27 20:45:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16227014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tazmosis/pseuds/Tazmosis
Summary: It's an account of the Last Supper, as events could have happened.  Suggestion: Ralph Macchio as Jesus and Doris Roberts as his mother Mary.  You figure out the rest :)





	The real story of The Last Supper

                What if everything you believed, isn't anything close to what happened?  What if the Last Supper is less than you thought it was?

 

_Now, Sunday afternoon_

 

                "Fellas.  Hey, shut up!!,  I need you guys to help me figure this out, She's gonna kill me, if she finds out about this".  Absently rubbing the dirty gravy spot on his shirt.

                A voice at the end of the table points out, "Ya know, you gotta get your own place.  If you had your own place it wouldn't be a problem."

                "He's not wrong, Big Jimmy and Jimmy Boy share a spot.  They're Zak and Cody."

                "Yeah yeah, thanks Andy, but do I look like I have my own place right now?  Look, I get it, but I live in a manger, today, so help me out will ya?"

                Marty relents with raised hands, "Alright, Alright, so what's the story?"

                 "Yeah, his Ma hates most of us anyways, she barely lets us in the yard after the goat thing." a voice chimed in.

                "Don't blame all of us for what you did!"  another voice shot back.

                "Guys!!, back to me, Please."

                Andy stands, absently flips a knife to Judas and bangs his cup, "Yeah, come on guys, we gotta bail Jesus outa this."

                "Yeah, Well, first of all, gimme that cup, I'm bleeding all over the place, I don't want to explain anything else on this shirt."

 

_Last Thursday evening, dinner time._

 

                "Ma.   Ma?  Ma!, will you listen to me for a minute?  Teddy booked a lodge for the weekend, It's gonna be Me, Teddy, Bart, Bones, Sy and a couple other guys studying and meditating.  Teddy thinks God is trying to talk to him.  It's going to be a couple days of philosophy, no Ouija board stuff.  Come on Ma, what do you think is gonna happen?"

                "Well for starters, who names their child 'Bones'?  I changed _Thomas_ 's diapers".  Mary picked up her big cooking spoon, waddling to the fire place, "Is that Judas boy going?  I don't know what he did, but _something_ happened to my poor goat and I'm sure he took my spoon.  Mary either, I heard trashy things about her.  I don't trust her around my sweet baby Jesus."

                Ugh, this again, "No, Ma. He doesn't know anything about it and who knows where the spoon went.  Johnny and Rocco are coming along, It's a guys trip."  Face palming, Jesus pleaded, "Joe, help me out here will ya? I'm grown man for Christ's sake."

                Smirking, "Sorry, 'Messiah', you're on your own with your mother.   You know, if you had your own place, you could dodge this sort of thing.  Maybe you oughta move out?"

                "Yeah, thanks... 'Dad'."

                Mary poked Jesus in the chest with the business end of her spoon, slopping gravy on his shirt,  "I don't wanna hear your sleazy friend's gang names; his name is Phillip, Rocco sounds like something you'd name a kangaroo.  Sighing, "Fine.  Go, I'll just sit here and worry all weekend; maybe I'll take a break to throw all this food away.  Don't worry about your poor mother, I just gave birth to you, its fine".

                "I gotta get my own place", Joe heard him murmur.

 

_Last Friday morning_

 

                "Ma, I'll be fine, It's just a couple days."  Hugging Mary, "I'll be home in a few days Ma."

                "Teddy, come here and tell Ma, that we're gonna stay out of trouble. Tell her the plan."

                "Hi Mrs. C.  I promise, we're not going to get into trouble.  It's just a kinda study group." "Jesus, hug your mother and let's hop in the chariot, we need to get going.  Besides, I'm not cleaning donkey turds off you moms driveway".

                "Thaddeus, give me a hug, you were always a good boy".  Mrs. C., Teddy noted, was quite the hugger.  He did, however, feel slightly guilty.

 

                Careful to not move too quickly or look back, Jesus casually slung his pack over his shoulder and followed Teddy along to a rickety looking chariot.  "Don't look back Teddy, just get us away from here.   We gotta get to Big Jimmy's soon.  He's out picking up the ale and wine for the trip, he's getting the bigger wagon too.".  Taking a closer look at the chariot, "We'll never get to Galilee in this heap.  Where's you get this ship wreck anyways?... Hey, watch the goat!."

                "Yeah, it's sorta twitchy ain't it?", Teddy shrugged.  "Anyways, Judas knows a guy that runs a fixit.  He got this from an Egyptian chariot race accident, news is that Mary Mag got wrecked and whipped 'em out, about 7 drivers crashed into the lion pit trying to get a good look.  This thing looks like it's be a great fire doesn't it, I figured it'd help make the story believable."

                "You're not kiddin, the best thing this wreck could _do_ is be in a fire.  speaking of which." Reaching into his pocket for his pipe and leaf pouch, "... gotta match?  Let's get this party started."

 

                Trundling along through the streets of Bethlehem, the sun is coming up and window shutters are starting to open, soon enough people would be out and about, starting their days.

                Teddy elbowed Jesus' arm, "Hey Savior, are you gonna keep that?"

                "Sorry, gimme one last.......".  After taking a long draw, Jesus passed over his pipe.

                "Hey, Jesus, take the reins."  Teddy lifts his torch.

 

"Hey, there's Jimmy Boy.  Wow, sweet carriage, lot of party room".  Pulling up, Jesus and Teddy notice the extended covered wagon.

 

                17 minutes later, 8 horses are pulling the wagon down a dirt road, loudly carrying 13  people, and an excessive amount of wine and ale.  "It's about time we managed to get away for a few days"

                "YHeah, you ain't kiddin, pass that wine skin over."

                "Hey Pete, leave some for the rest."

                "Hey Jesus, what's the plan?" Andy hushed the crowd, "Where's the party?"

                Jesus, drew deeply from his tankard, "I heard the new spot in Galilee is a spot called the Parthenon, supposed to be hot.  Supposed to be a lot of action.".

                "Yeah, I heard Galilee women are hot for gravy stains"; damn it Rocco, stop paying attention to things. 

                "Hey, Jimmy Boy, thanks for driving.  Where are we? when are we gonna get in?"

                "What'd I say?  We'll be there when we get there and we won't get there until we be there.  What do you want me to do, yoke up and help 'em pull?".

                "yeah, yeah..."  Barty leaned down from the right bench seat beside James the Younger, "He Jesus, top this off will ya?  It's getting dry up here.", shaking a wine skin in the carriage window.

 

                A few hours later, leaning heavily on the side of their carriage.  "Is... that it?  What a rasssshhhole", slurred Barty.

                "He's already hammered, but he's not lying.  Jesus Christ!, I told you last week that Galilee was a dump!'.  Teddy ranted, joining Sy and Andy in giving Jesus hard looks.

                "Fine, you were right, we're in 'donut center'.  Is that what you wanted me to...say?  Hey, isn't that Mary Mag down by the riverboats?"

                Big Jimmy squinted and tried to shield his eyes from the noon sun.  "Yeah, that's her, looks a little drunk too, so do her friends.  Judas, put that fork away.  Slick you hair back and try to not look skeevy.  You cats feeling lucky? Jimmy Boy! toss me a 'skin.  Come on goat boy".  James the Elder, Judas and Pete sauntered through the small town to the docks to talk to Mary and her crowd of friends; Jesus tried to shift his tunic to hide his gravy spots as he trailed behind. 

                "Goats are liars."  Barty vaguely heard, as he drowsed, leaning against the carriage.

 

                With a casual pace, James the Elder, Big Jimmy to his friends, smoothing back is graying hair and rearranging his tunic, sauntered past the rundown row of inns and taverns.  Glancing up, James noticed a faded, beat up sign with crude letters reading 'The Parthenon'.  Missing windows and broken tables were what seems the norm for that sort of dump; morbid curiosity struck him like a bolt of lightning.  He filed that away for asking later, what are Jesus' sources on these sorts of places.

 

                James and several his entourage began to make their way down to the docks where there are several riverboats moored.  He decided that Galilee is a depressing sort of place.  There seemed to be way too much mud and ox dung for his liking.  The seedy inns and smelly, broken taverns were fine, those where part of any port town.  He knew first hand that sailors needed to unwind, and didn't usually have a lot of money do it.  Big Jimmy was fine that all of that, that's part of the story to how Jimmy Boy ended up being Jimmy Boy.  No, the big problem was that no one really seems to care that this dump was second rate, at best; no one bothered to clean up.

 

                Big Jimmy hollered back "Jimmy Boy, get up here.  Take a look at the scenery, do you know what I love about this place?"

                James the Younger trotted up, looking confused, "I dunno, you've got a thing for giant rats, stink and lousy ale?'.

                Big Jimmy let that pass. "Nooo", he said, catching the younger in a rough headlock, "Take a closer look at the docks, my boy.", grinning wolfishly.  Casually, they'd sauntered to about 50 feet of where Mary Magdalene and her friends passed around something that looked like a deep mug of bottomless ale.

 

In that moment, a flaming red blur burst out of a ratty tavern door, ambushing Big Jimmy.  Wrapping itself around his neck, trying mightily, to drop the older, imposing figure to his knees. 

 

                "Get off me, you she devil!", he laughed.  With firm, strong arms wrapped around his neck and ankles locked around his waist, He struggled.  Alarming threats and, not really, mock attacks continued to assault his left shoulder and neck.  Big Jimmy stood firm and tried unsuccessfully to shrug off his would be attacker.

 

                "Not a chance, now surrender, you heathen!", rang a defiant, peal of determined glee.  It turned out that the Big Jimmy's would be assailant was a well tuned woman of not quite his own age group.

 

                "Hey, hey, hey, If I surrender now, what will I do for later?".  Big Jimmy tried to again to shrug off his attacker again, but with a maneuver that left him baffled, had managed to contort herself into sitting on his broad shoulders.  "Hiya Lil, You're looking well, at least from the ankle down".  Pointing upward, "Jimmy Boy, welcome to the docks at Galilee.  I've got 2 good memories of this hole.  One is my new hat here, Say hi to Lillith.  For the other, Remind me to tell you how I met your mother."

 

                A handful of hours and an undisclosed number of leagues, miles, donkey steps or river whatever distance later, Jesus mussed to himself.  Big Jimmy,  he felt, was not exactly an 'apostle' sort of guy; hell, most of these guys weren't.  That didn't really exclude him from the festivities though.  He helped to drag Barty up the gang plank and convince the girls that Judas wasn't a serial killer, just an odd guy liked spoons.  He was smooth, no denying that.  Jesus, meanwhile, turned several casks of water to wine, largely because carrying them was too much work.  Jesus decided that a bit of discussion might be necessary to make sure that the events of the trip didn't get to the wrong people.  Jesus knew Big Jimmy could start a party, he was known for parties and winning bar fights; the bigger question is whether or not he'd talk about it.

 

                Undistracted, Jesus thought about the rest of his entourage.  He hated the term apostles.  If anyone really knew these guys, they'd know that 'Apostle' was generous at best.  Big Jimmy was a guy that tended to work things out 'by hand', the same went for Sy and Rocco.  They tended to keep the peace, even if they did it the hard way.  Most of the other guys were pretty easy to understand, they just wanted to have a good time.  Jesus, knew that Jimmy Boy had a few things going on, mostly trying to live up to Big Jimmy, but that'd work it's self out, James the Younger was a lover not a fighter, like most of the rest of these skirt chasers.

 

                Judas, however, had been one of Jesus' oldest friends, and he grew up to be 'that sorta weird guy'.  For one thing, Judas loved black robes and, only God knows why, was stuck thinking he was a dramatic actor.  So much of an actor, that he dyed his hair black and tried to convince people that he could create potions.  Jesus forgave his friends' peculiarities, but he also noticed that Judas seems to have picked up and affinity for collecting tableware.  He always seemed to be polishing a fork or spoon; occasionally the errant butter knife.  Jesus sighed to himself.  He knew _he_ was friends with Judas, but most of the guys didn't see him the same way, not usually.  They accepted Jesus' lead but sometimes treated him as the guy that needed to pay to feed the donkey.

 

                Casually sipping ale and leaning against the barge rails, Jesus watched the Jimmies, Sy, Bones and the rest of the guys work their individual magics on Mary Mags friends; just about the time Mary Mag came strolling up, casually wrapping an arm around him.  From a quick head count, it looked like the numbers were about even. Barty was so hammered that he didn't know where he was and then there was Judas.  Judas, poor bastard; maybe if he didn't dress like a Hogwarts professor wielding a tea spoon...  Jesus had to give credit to Big Jimmy, he'd smoothly convinced Mary's friends that a trip south for the weekend could end up as a good, bad idea that turned into a great story.  Jesus, didn't have that problem though.  He'd known Mary Magdalene for years; they'd had that odd sort of relationship that doesn't lend itself to permanence, but reminds a person that 'now is when things happen'.  For whatever laments he might have, he valued her for who she was; and she had trampy friends, that's a plus.  It was that moment Big Jimmy came strolling up to interrupt his squeezing.

 

_Last Friday, Late afternoon_

 

                Pulling up to an unknown rickety set of docks, Big Jimmy crowded everyone into a tavern to work out the plan.  He also sent Rocco and Judas out to find enough wagons to hall them off to the next part of their adventure, while he pulled the boys together to rearrange plans.

 

                Jesus slipped away and settled into a barstool.  He needed a minute to gather himself and have a drink;  when you're the savior, privacy can be in short supply.  Then Jesus looked to his left, 'damn' he sighed; it was Noah.

                Jesus took a deep drank out of his ale tankard "Noah?.", he feigned surprise, "How ya been buddy?  I haven't seen you since that get together a couple years ago.  Last I remember, you were saying  something about building yourself a boat or something.  Yeah.  We were at your place, Me, Big Jimmy, Judas and some of the other fellas.  Your neighbor, what's his name?  Moe, or something,  didn't he own a tavern or something?.  He came over yelling.  Sorry 'bout that.  How's the family?"

                Jesus noted that Noah perked up when he heard someone speak to him.  He was guessing that he didn't have a lot of conversations anymore, not since his 'epiphany'.   Jesus thought back a few a years.  Noah was always a fun guy, always sharing the ale and always had a story to tell, but then it happened.  It was about 4 or 5 years ago or so, that Noah said that God has spoken to him.   'Well maybe, I suppose',  Jesus thought, "Good luck with that.".  Jesus had been trying to talk to God for as long as he could remember, and so far... zilch.  Once, around age 12 or so, he remembered thinking, that he'd heard more squirrel farts then he's heard from his 'Father'.  God might be his father, but Joseph was his 'Dad', as far as that went.

                Noah grabbed Jesus by the shoulder and pulled him into a rough side hug.  "Jesus Christ!, you look familiar... wait, hang on a second".   Noah reached into his tunic pocket and pulled out a crude monocle.  Squinting hard, "Jesus!, Sorry I didn't recognize you without this thing!".  "I'm glad to see you buddy, I don't have a lot of friends around here anymore."

                Time, Jesus noted, seemed to stop, when he was talking to Noah.  He remembered why he hadn't seen him in a few years and he then remembered why there needed to be ale involved. 

                Back in the old days, Jesus and Noah has been friends until Noah had turned to a 'Round Earther' sort of fellow.  The skinny, weedy sort of guy that wears heavy robes, hugs trees, and yells about random stuff and maybe smelled a bit 'gamey'; but then Noah met Naamah.  Jesus remembered her too, she'd been friends with Mary Mag, but somehow had managed to stay out of trouble.  "Wow; How did she manage to muck out that stall?".   'Namy' as she preferred to be known, had seemed to have done the work that only love, or a really great set of hooters, could do.  She cleaned up the chariot wreck known as 'Noah'.

                Jesus snapped back into listening to Noah,  "Yeah, that turd Moses!  I tried talking to him about it, but whatever.  that guy's a tool; specifically, a hand cranked auger, if you get my meaning.  Anyways.  I talked to God a while back.  You knew that, I remember telling you.  Hey did you ever get  back to you?  You said that you tried a few times and you didn't get anything back.  Yeah, I remember you saying that you were pissed that you didn't even get a damned text on your birthday. what's a text?"  Jesus remembered that Noah had a short attention span and tended get off topic.  Noah continued to ramble, "So God told me to build a boat, he called it an Ark or something like that, I dunno, I was sorta drunk.  But I said 'Sure', I've got ya G, let's build an Ark, whatever that is.  And then God explained it, that there was gonna be a great cleansing and the......'  not this  again, Jesus just stared down into his tankard and tried to tune this out.  "... and then after you get the Zebras on, you gotta remember that the rabbits are getting their rabbit on and you have to stop the kangaroos for a pouch check....."

                Blam!, the tavern doors slam open and in walks Moses; staff in hand with an imposing, bristling  beard preceding him .  Moses what an big man, taller that most and broad shouldered, almost as formidable as Big Jimmy.  Jesus and Moses went back a few years; yet another reason for the ale.  Jesus recalled that Moses always wanted to be the guy that called the shots and made the plans.  There was a time that Moses could have been one of the guys.  they called themselves 'The Apostles of Jesus Christ', largely because Jesus was 'The wine guy', not for his leadership skills.  Moses, however, seemed to think that he knew better and wanted to set goals.  The 'Apostles' has a pretty low bar for goals and the 'Moses' level motivation didn't work out well.

                "Damn It Noah!  I'm tired of hearing that you've been whining about me all over town.  Keep this guff up and I'm going to part your forehead."

                "You flooded my Ark, you jerk!", Noah spat back.

                "What is given, can be taken away" Moses coolly responded.

                 "I told you that your stupid 'Ark' thing was going to block my view of the harbor and I even asked you nicely to move it over a few yards; I even offered to lease you the land for that.  But you turned stupid.  No wonder Namy left you." 

                "I don't remember asking you for a hand out and Namy will come around she just needs some time."

                "I've got what she needs, and it isn't time."

                Jesus opted to slam back his drink and withdraw from this scenario.    During his retreat, Jesus heard, "You're an asswad, Mr. Red Sea, Keep shooting your mouth off, I've got a rhino for that".  "That's fine, I'll tell Namy you said 'HI'.  She doesn't say much and I tend to keep her busy."

                Slowly, Jesus slid off his stool and across the room.

 

                Big Jimmy pounded his fist on a shaky table, he had a way of getting someone's attention.  "Alright fella's, 'The Parthenon' turned out to be a dud, even the goats there were second rate."

                "Hey, Bro-code!", was heard in the crowd of about 23 or so would be hooligans.

                "Goat code." was also chimed on.

 

                Big Jimmy was about to continue to punish the defenseless tablet when Jesus spoke up.  "Anyways , we have a new idea.  Let's go to Jerusalem; they've got chariot races, easy gambling and lots of good food and wine,  Judas and Rocco found us enough wagons that we can get a ride from, so we're leaving out in about 10 minutes."  Jesus wasn't really a braggart, but he did enjoy a compliment once in a while, from his perspective, praise, from a Jewish mother, was sometimes hard to come by.  He enjoyed the happy chatter from his friends and their female companions, He did however feel that he could have lived with having Sy point out they that had pretty good gravy there too, ust in case he needed some extra.  "yeah, yeah, thanks Sy.  Hey, do me a favor and go check on Barty, make sure he's on his side, so he doesn't drowned.

 

                After  a couple hours of riding in the back of a wagon, Jesus realized that Big Jimmy had appropriated the last hay wagon for himself; himself and Lilith.  He'd also enlisted a barely capable Barty as their driver.  He's solved Barty's inebriation problem by simply tying him onto to the drivers bench with several lengths of rope across his shoulder, telling him safety first.  Jesus shrugged and took a drink from his wine skin, "Had I been less distracted, I've might have caught on that to that a while back".  That was fine, he had enough entertainment of his own.  Mary Magdalene was a woman of talents.

 

_Last Friday, late evening_

 

                A couple hours after sundown they pulled into Jerusalem, but unlike sleepy little Bethlehem, It looks like the party was just getting started.  Jesus and the fellas dropped the ladies at a tavern telling them they have important 'apostle' things to do and they'd be back later.

 

                Outside the tavern, Jesus pulled Big Jimmy and Andy in to the alley.  "Fellas, do either of you have anything interesting to get this party rolling?"

                "I don't have anything handy, but I heard of a guy; that might be able to get the job done.  What's the matter, wine and beer not doing it?  Might cost a little though".  These guys always seemed to come through when there was a need.

                "I'm not worried about money.   Barty's so drunk that he doesn't even know he's still tied to the cart, he'll never miss his money.  Besides, Judas is fixed up."

 

                20 minutes later, Jesus, Big Jimmy, Judas and Andy had made a deal a side street apothecary for what looked like a great addition to his leave pouch and some powder that was supposed to give the wine some extra punch.  Wryly, Big Jimmy pointed out that water to wine, didn't necessarily mean, good wine and suggested that Jesus might need to practice that sort of skill, maybe out of the eye sight of his mother; maybe that if he got a place of his own, he's be able to invite the guys, and the goat, over and he could practice.

 

                "Gentlemen, shall we?".  Jesus and gathered up his entire entourage in the stable.  Instead of leaving Barty tied to the wagon bench, they decided to dump in the back of the wagon to sleep off his current condition and get ready for the next one.  Lilith and Mary Mag was there too, they'd struck it as friends a while back, and rumor had it, they'd developed a dubious reputation for all manner of less that respectable adventures.

 

                Judas had been working his particular magic with the wineskins and the 'punch' they'd picked up when Jesus and the rest of the gang showed up.  Jesus grabbed a skin and tossed in with Barty's barely functioning form, turning around to start the conversation.

                "So, does anyone know where to find a good monastery?".  Jesus, it could be noted, was not naturally funny.  Pressing on, Jesus grabbed one of the several spiked wine skins, took a long pull and passed it off to his left.

 

                Surprisingly, it was James the younger, that spoke up.  "I did some asking and there are the chariot races going on in the local arena.  From what I heard, the Romans are doing pretty well, so it might be a way to pull in enough cash to make this weekend profitable.  The tavern owner knows someone that'll take wager on the races.  All we have to do is go to the stadium and talk to a man call Shifty and mention barkeeper."  "Who's holding the money right now?  Is that still Judas?  Hey Judas, how are we fixed for Drachma?"

 

                Judas looked up from his wine skin, "We have three hundred and ninety four.".

                Big Jimmy chimed in.  "Sounds like a good start, I know of a few ways we can get some more if we need it anyways, but Judas's stash should be enough to get started".

 

                About 20 minutes later, Jesus was feeling decidedly mellow and content to follow Big Jimmy's lead on the activities.  Maybe it was the wine, or the goodies in his leaf pouch that relaxed him into his current role, but he felt it wasn't exactly a bad thing.  Being the 'Messiah' proved to be more difficult that he's expected, and quite frankly, being 'the Son of God' was turned out to be a pain in the ass.  Everyone seems to want something, except for these guys, "They knew me as a screw up and second rate carpenter".  Everyone else had a hand out; "Cure the sick, heal the lame, refill this mug...".  To Jesus, that was getting sort of tiresome.  It wasn't like he didn't want to help, he did.  He just couldn't seem to get away from it.  All things considered, this was a necessary weekend and lying to his mother about his plans was just as necessity, Jesus mussed, absently stroking the gravy spot on his tunic.

 

                _Sunday, mid morning_

                "What the hell happened?", Jesus mussed. "God, make this pounding go away.  I promise I'll never drink again".   There was a lot that he saw in snippets from the last day or so.  Sitting up made the room spin, if it really was a room; he was just glad it was dark.  After several minutes, he managed to work himself up to a hunched sitting position and woefully hung his head in his hands... "Where am I?".

                looking around, he wasn't in a 5 star inn, it looks like a mausoleum.  "Uhhh, what day is it?"  Staggering to his feet.  After a closer, yet bleary examination, this wasn't a mausoleum, this was a cave, but a door seemed to be lacking.  "What the hell did I do?"... and then it came back to him.

 

                Jesus had some vague, sharp, disturbing and once again, not really surprising memories flood in.  He remembered telling Roman guards that they should lengthen the armor so their 'junk' didn't hang out.  He remembered saying that he could beat Emperor Tiberius at arm wrestling.  He remembered He, Judas and Mary Mag stole chariots and raced through town; he remembered people yelling 'those are my spoons', whatever that meant.  He also remembered telling those soldiers that he can sit on the top of that big cross and drink more wine than one of 'their guys' if they squirted it at him from a wine skin; he didn't remember falling off the cross.

 

                Looking around, he finally found what looked like a door, but took way too much effort to move.  He cringed from the bright sunlight that seems, specifically, to exist for the purpose of stabbing through his eyes into his brain.  In his suffering he saw Jimmy Boy and Andy coming up the hill.

 

                "God Damn, Jesus.  We've been looking for you for half a day, what the hell happened?  We lost you at the Cross challenge you made.  By the way, you won 50 drachma.", Andy was his friend, he knew he had this coming, thankfully Jimmy Boy stayed quiet.  Thankfully, the world stayed quiet this early; regardless of what time it was.  Andy slapped a heavy pouch of what felt like 40 drachma against his chest.

 

                Andy pulled up under Jesus' arm while Jimmy Boy got the other, he was pretty shaky, but they were glad to find him.  Going back to Bethlehem without him would be hard to explain, and harder to explain to his mother; the goat might understand.  "Jesus, what did you do?  Buddy, we gotta go.  We gotta go get Judas, he's ass deep."  Andy and Jimmy Boy half carried, haft drug, Jesus to the wagon and tossed him in, right next to a still drunk Barty and an empty wineskin... It's good to have friends.  Wait, what? Judas who?

 

                Judas has been cornered outside a little eatery by several of the locals, all shouting at him with  Sy, Rocco, and Big Jimmy standing between him and the crowd; Big Jimmy was looking like he was running out of patience.

 

                Jesus struggled manfully to straighten himself out, his friend needed help, his own suffering would have to wait.  "What the hell is going on?  Judas, do you know anything about this?"

 

                "You should know, you were there, you crook!  you owe me for 3 wine skins and I want my spoons back!".  It was an aging, round, dusty little tavern keeper with a fuzzy moustache. 

                Big Jimmy strode straight up to the balding little sack of flour.  "Sir, what is your name?".

                "I am Alfredo, of Fettuccini."  the little man rather pugnaciously, staring defiantly into Big Jimmy's chest.

 

                "It's good to know you, Alfredo of Fettuccini.  You should be polite to my friends."  And then, almost casually, Big Jimmy placed his hand on top of the man's head and forced him down to his knees.  "Judas, come over here please."  He turned gave Judas a look that suggested that the crowd might have a point.  "Give it back, all of it".

                "It's not all theirs."

                Alfredo, of Fettuccini, winced while Big Jimmy took a deep breath.

                Big Jimmy contained himself and expressed himself with the exaggerated calm that usually  preceded a natural disaster, "that's not what I said.  Now give it back."

                "Fine."

                Judas reached into various pockets in his dark robes and produced a surprisingly large pile of utensils. 

                "Thank you Judas".  Big Jimmy stayed calm, but kept his hand on the man's head.  "Wow, that's.   ... Wow.  How much is there?"

                "If you must know, there are 30 pieces of silverware".

                "Good day to you, Alfredo, of Fettuccini.  We apologize for the misunderstanding and thank you for the wine".  Big Jimmy released his grip and lead his friends to the docks.

 

_Sunday afternoon_

 

                Several hours of blissful sleeping later, Jesus was roused by Mary Mag, this time with concern.  "I'd thought you might not come back to me".  Her rich, wispy voice reminded him why he liked her.

                His head still pounded a little, yet another conversation to have with 'Dad'... "Where are we?  what day is it?". 

 

                "It's Sunday afternoon and we're on our way back Galilee, you lush.  You've got a lot of Roman police interested in who you are and I've got places to be after today, they don't include explaining to  the police, or your mother, why you woke up in a tomb after partying out for a day."

 

                "That's a good idea.  I'm not sure how I'm gonna explain that."

                After having imbibing in a therapeutic tankard, their river boat crepted up to the docks.  They left most of Mary Mag's troupe, while Jesus, Mary Mag, Lilith and the Apostles set off to find food.  Galilee was terrible this time of year, not much action, but they had inns and that's what Jesus needed, food and maybe more wine.  He also needed a story his friends could go along with and he needed everyone to hold up under his mothers interrogation.  Mary Magdalene had almost departed when someone, a would be artist, named Leo had offered to make her famous by painting 'art portraits', but Judas sidetracked him by asking  if he could paint a group portrait.  Judas needed friends, he was a decent guy, but sort of creepy.

 

_Sunday afternoon, 15 minutes ago._

 

                Sitting down to a late afternoon meal of meat stew and bread, Jesus asked his friends to help him work out details of talking to his mother when a group of 6 or 7 Roman soldiers sitting at a close table and decided to join the conversation.  "Hey, aren't you the guy that made the wager about the cross and wine?".  The soldiers face hardened  "I lost a lot of money on that.  Maybe you ought to share the wealth, before my mother goes hungry."

 

                "Buddy, you made a bad wager.  I'm sorry about your mother though.  Maybe I'll send my goat to feed her.  Or Big Jimmy." 

 

                That began the brawl.  Jesus, Jimmy and the boys, even Mary Mag and Lilith, helped Jesus work out the problem with the Roman soldiers.  For their trouble, the Romans took most of the beating, but there were assorted bruises blooming, along with Jesus' bloody nose...


End file.
